A "Sorry" Excuse

What does it mean when someone utters the phrase “I’m sorry” or “I apologize”?  What do those words really mean anyway? What are the true heart motives behind speaking these words to someone we’ve wronged? Because of our pride, most of us tend to avoid taking personal responsibility for any wrong doing. We'd much rather make excuses for our sin and shift the blame to someone else instead. If we do decide to own up to the fact that we’ve offended someone, our attitude and the words we choose to say to them definitely reflect the genuine condition of our heart.   

It has been my experience that the phrase “I’m sorry” doesn’t necessarily indicate a person’s repentant heart but can have several different connotations. Maybe someone is “sorry” that they were caught doing whatever they are apologizing for. A person may just be saying that they are “sorry” because they’re trying to patch up and gloss over the fact that they’ve offended you.  There are those times when an offender may even genuinely realize they’ve wronged you, but is a simple “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” enough?  Are using those phrases really setting the stage for true biblical reconciliation and restoration in a relationship that’s been severed?  I don’t believe for one minute that saying “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” go deep enough to allow for healing because of the lack of humility behind using those words.  In the Greek, the actual definition for apologize means “a speech in defense of”.    This is where we get the word “apologetics” from, which means “to defend our faith”. When we “apologize” what we're really doing is giving a defense for our wrong actions or making excuses for our sin.   

In reference to myself in this area, for the first 38 years of my life, I rarely acknowledged that I was ever wrong.  In my mind whatever happened was always someone else’s fault, never mine.   My pride blinded me and caused me to neglect taking personal responsibility for my sin in relationships with others and to God.  When something was blatantly my fault and I couldn’t come up with a good excuse to shift the blame to someone else, then I said the words “I’m sorry”.  I may have uttered the phrase “I’m sorry” but what I really meant in my heart was “I’m sorry that I have to deal with this situation” or “I’m sorry I have to deal with you.”  I just said whatever it took to get myself off the hook and move on to something else that did not further damage my ego.  Doesn’t sound like I had the spirit of humility now does it?  There are many other Christians out there, maybe even someone reading this blog post today, who are exactly the same way I was!

 Because of how God radically changed my heart in this area, I will no longer allow my kids to say “I’m sorry” when relating to those they have offended. “I’m sorry” is apologetic but cannot and should not take the place of true repentance. The words we instruct our children to say in the spirit of humility are, “I was wrong! Will you please forgive me for…” Biblically, there is no other phrase that can be substituted because true repentance shows that we are sincerely resolving to turn away from our sin, not just make defenses for it.

In God’s Word, we are never given the example to say “sorry” or “I apologize” to anyone.  When we come to God for salvation, we don’t pray “sorry God” and that makes everything all better.  In Romans 10:10 we see that we must confess our sin to come to salvation. “For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.”  In Psalm 51:17 David describes the heart condition of one who is genuinely repenting of their sin. “A broken spirit and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”  The biblical definition of a “contrite heart” literally means to be broken-hearted for our sin; to be deeply affected with grief and sorrow for having offended God.  God never wants us to be “sorry” for our sin. God desires us to deeply sorrow and mourn over our sin and in brokenness come to Him in true repentance.  We are to admit that we’re a sinner who can never measure up to His holy standards and must ask Him to “Please forgive us”, which He so faithfully promises to do in I John 1:9.  Our confession and God’s forgiveness allows us to be able to enjoy a right relationship with Him.  

The next time it’s brought to your attention or you realize on your own that you’ve wronged someone, please don’t just say “sorry”, but humbly admit you were wrong in the situation, and ask those whom you’ve hurt to please forgive you.  Others can definitely sense whether your spirit is humble or prideful.  If the one whom you’ve offended senses pride in your demeanor, the biblical forgiveness, reconciliation and restoration process with not be fulfilled.  Just as we are told in James 4:6 that “God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble”, people also resist us when they detect pride in our apology.  Do you have some changes to make in this area like I did?  We would all enjoy a better relationship with God and others if we would only admit when we’re wrong, deeply mourn over our sin and humbly ask forgiveness from those we have offended .