I am so humbled and thankful for my heavenly Father’s mercy,
love and grace toward me of which I am undeserving. I’m passionate about sharing how God has
humbled me and completely changed my heart in hopes that it will encourage
others to examine their hearts and make changes as well. I want other Christians who are living
complacent, lukewarm lives to wake up before it’s too late! God is AWESOME and I now have a strong and deep desire to
follow Him and testify of what He has done and continues to do in and through
me.
Being saved as a young child, I
loved the Lord and my greatest desire was to please Him. I tried to be a good testimony to my parents
who were saved, but not living for God.
I never learned how to deal with stress biblically, the way that God
intended us to. I entered into adulthood
carrying the seemingly invisible baggage of unforgiveness, envy, silent
anger and bitterness from my childhood and didn’t even realize it. On the outside, I appeared to others to have
it all together but what I needed to do was take care of the condition of my
heart! I remember every rude comment anyone ever said
to me my whole life. I kept a silent
tally sheet in my head of times I had been wronged and seldom forgave anyone. I consistently wrote people off that offended
me, rather than thinking biblically to forgive them and seek restoration. My heart was full of frustration and anger
which leaves absolutely no room for peace. I really
thought I was humble, but in reality pride was my biggest problem. I couldn’t believe that someone would be rude
to me, because I certainly didn’t feel as if I deserved that treatment. I thought since I was nice to other people
that I deserved to be treated that same way in return. Serving as a deacon and pastor’s wife for years opened me up to a whole new world of
criticism from others and many more
stressful situations in which I did not respond to correctly. I did not respond well to the mistreatment I
received as a pastor’s wife and I was held captive in a prison by the wounds
that I endured. If I could only go back
and respond biblically, the way God planned for me to, what a difference that
would make in my life and the lives of my family. I’d been harboring lots of poison inside me
for so long that I didn’t even realize it was affecting everyone around me and
beginning to take a toll on my health.
In my 20’s I began having arthritis pain to the point it was
a struggle to walk when I woke up in the morning. I couldn’t sleep at night without drugs
because of the pain and exhaustion. There
were even days I couldn’t get out of bed.
After months of suffering and doctors’ visits they diagnosed me with
fibromyalgia, which is like arthritis in the muscles. Doctors told me I was depressed and put me on
antidepressants, sleeping pills and pain medicine, which only masked the
problem. I suffered with fibromyalgia
for over 14 years. The ROOT of
the problem was NEVER dealt with, only covered up with medication. I began taking vitamins which helped to a
point, but never completely resolve my problem.
In 2001 I began suffering with anxiety so my doctor put me on more
medication. In 2002 at the age of 31, I
had what registered as a heart attack on the EKG and was put under the care of
a cardiologist and given heart medications. In 2005
I began to have severe tremors. After
MRI’s, CAT scans and doctor visits I was told that I could possibly have the
early onset of Parkinson’s disease and put on a high dose of tremor
medicine. I cried myself to sleep at night because I was concerned
about how much my family and I would have to suffer in the years to come. After my diagnosis, I attempted to go off the
medicine many times, but the shaking was so bad, I’d only last a few hours
before needing to take a little larger dose. One of the most terrifying events
in my life was in February of 2007! I
awoke one morning to my heart racing 200 beats per minute. I was having difficulty breathing because my
heart was racing and skipping at an unpredictable rate and was not in proper
rhythm. My husband rushed me to the ER
where doctors and nurses swarmed around me and administered drugs to slow down
my heart rate and try to get my heart back to normal rhythm. I was
admitted to the Critical Care Unit where my husband couldn’t even enter the
room. Among all of the confusion and
uncertain circumstances, as they wheeled me down the dark hallway on a
stretcher, I felt God’s peace in knowing that if I were to die that day, God
was in complete control. It took 9 hours
until doctors got my heart calmed down with the medication through IVs. Doctor’s told me that I’d been born with extra
electrical strands in my heart and diagnosed me with atrial fibrillation. My cardiologist put me on more heart
medications to keep my heart slowed down and in proper rhythm. I had been on heart medication for years,
but even with the medication, I ‘ve had many palpitations and close calls for
another CCU visit. Over the span of 12 years
doctors had put me on at least 20 different drugs to try to treat depression, fibromyalgia,
anxiety, pain, tremors and heart problems.
Over the years my husband lovingly asked me if maybe some of my health problems
could be caused by unconfessed sin or from my unbiblical response to stress. Of course I was quite offended at that
suggestion, but that was because I was full of pride and didn’t want
to humble myself and examine my heart. Through all of these illnesses I thought I was
just suffering so God could show His power through my weakness, but little did
I know that, in my case, this couldn’t be further from the truth!
Even though I had been attending church during all of this, I rarely brought my Bible. When I read Scripture, they were just words on a page to me because of my hard heart. Everything about me was focused on the outward that people could see because I thought I could hide my inward sin. The Christian life was only a game that I was playing and I did not love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength, I only loved myself! In the spring of 2009 our pastor began preaching on the
Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5. The
Holy Spirit began convicting me of areas that I needed to change in my
life. On the outside, I appeared to
others to be a godly example, but I knew my heart wasn’t right. I knew I was not poor in spirit or meek, but
instead proud. I didn’t really hunger
and thirst after God’s Word and righteousness, I often had my devotions out of
a sense of duty. I knew my inner peace
and joy had been gone for years, but because of all the lies I was
believing from Satan, I was blinded to the seriousness of my sin.
God
is sovereign, so at the same time our pastor was preaching on the Sermon on the
Mount, my husband and I attended a conference where we purchased the book, How to Resolve Seven Deadly Stresses.
It is totally based on God’s Word and Jesus’
teachings from the Sermon on the Mount.
I learned how a person’s thoughts, attitudes and actions are directly
affected by the belief system of our hearts.
It also has been medically proven that unconfessed sin and dealing with
stress in the wrong way can have a direct effect on our health. I have
to admit that I was very skeptical about the claim that some health problems
can be caused by dealing with stress unbiblically. I began reading the book about seven deadly stresses
which were taught in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, which are: anger, guilt, lust, bitterness, greed, fear
and envy. After soaking in a few
chapters of the book, the truths of God’s Word began piercing my heart. I realized that my heart problems could
possibly be related to my silent anger issues, that my fibromyalgia could be
because I struggled with envy. My tremors
could be caused by the tremendous load of guilt I carried for never dealing
with conflict and sin in my life the way that God intended me to. The depression I had experienced could possibly
be caused by all of my unresolved issues that were stealing my joy and peace. I realized all of the areas that I needed to
make changes in my life and got down on my knees and was broken before the holy
God of the universe.
First John 1:9
says “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins
and cleanse us from all our unrighteousness.” I had been saved since the age of 4, grown
up in church, but I came under the realization that I rarely humbled myself and
asked for forgiveness from anyone. I was
so wrapped up in myself and concentrated on protecting and distancing myself
from people who might hurt me. I was in
a dangerous place, a position that Satan took full advantage of and was able to
get strongholds in my life because of my pride. I believed so many of his
lies! The Bible says that God
resists the proud, and it saddens me to know that I wasted all of those years
that I can never get back! All of the hurts I had experienced growing up
and in adulthood had been festering into bitterness and unforgiveness and it all
needed to finally be dealt with. Hebrews 12:15 says that the root of
bitterness springing up causes trouble and by this many are defiled. I was
often frustrated and irritated about little things that I now had realized was
actually inner anger. Ephesians 4:31 talks about how we are supposed
to get rid of all bitterness, wrath and anger.
Vs. 32 talks about how we are to forgive each other just as God forgives
us.
After humbling myself
and asking God to forgive me for the things I needed to take care of, I then
went to others in my life that I had issues with or that I may have offended. I forgave my offenders even if they’d never
asked for forgiveness. I asked my
children to forgive me for all of the times I was not the godly example I
should’ve been. My husband and I had
been married for 20 years and I had not been the wife that God wanted me to
be. I was strong willed, stubborn, selfish,
prideful and unforgiving. Satan’s lies
had told me that I was the “humble” one and that my husband was the person who
was full of pride. I was SO
blinded by my sin! A few days
after confessing my sin to God and asking forgiveness from my husband and my
family, I realized that I had not had any more tremors, or taken any tremor
medicine. This is the medication that I had not been able to live without. The tremendous guilt I was bearing from all
of my wrong thoughts, attitudes and actions over the years had taken a toll on
my body and I believe that in my case, that was what had caused my
tremors. I believe that the guilt I
carried around from knowingly disobeying God caused the chemicals in my brain
to be depleted and that’s why I was depressed.
The Bible says that God’s law is engraved on our hearts, that’s why we
feel guilt when we sin. In amazement I
also realized that I had gone for days with no pain or exhaustion and I was
able to sleep all night with no drugs. I know that because I struggled with envy, it
was affecting my musculoskeletal system and causing my fibromyalgia. I also had no desire to play over in my mind
the scenes of the past where someone had hurt my feelings. I forgave others, and being forgiven by God
and others allowed me to be FREED from the prison I was locked in for
decades! Satan wanted me to stay in that
prison but God held the keys to the prison all along! We can
choose NOT to be held hostage by our sin by confessing it daily to our
loving heavenly Father whose Son’s blood paid the debt we owed. I
threw out the poisonous baggage that was detouring me from carrying out God’s
full plan for my life.
Although I no longer needed most of the medicine I had been
taking, I continued taking my heart medications, even though the palpitations
were fewer. I wanted to discern if my
heart problems were due to unresolved conflicts in my life, or if it was
something God was using to show His strength in my weakness. I realized that whenever I’d get hurt or
angry about something that someone else said or did to me, my heart would go
out of rhythm. God also convicted me of my
unbiblical response to a very painful event that had took place 2 years earlier
just before I was admitted to the Critical Care Unit. I harbored bitterness over a situation in which
someone had clearly wronged me. All of
the inner anger I felt during that situation was what had caused my heart
arrhythmia and threatened my life. A few
weeks later I realized I wasn’t having
any palpitations, so I went off my heart medication. The ironic thing is that during my last
appointment with my cardiologist before I confessed my sin, we were discussing
risky heart surgery to fix my atrial fibrillation. Now, on a rare occasion if I
feel palpitations coming on, I know in
my case God is showing me that I need to deal with my anger biblically.
It’s been almost four years since I’ve taken any medications or
suffered any of those medical issues. I have an unsurpassing PEACE and JOY in the
Lord! The very REAL pain and exhaustion
from the fibromyalgia, that I had suffered with for over 14 years was
gone! The tremors I suffered with for 4 years were REAL, and now
were gone! The heart arrhythmia and
palpitations I had suffered with for
most of my adult life were gone! I didn’t
actually pray to God for healing, I prayed for forgiveness of my bitterness,
envy and anger and God transformed my heart and ABSOLUTELY radically altered my
life!!! PLEASE understand, I know that NOT ALL SICKNESS IS A RESULT OF
UNRESOLVED ISSUES IN A PERSON’S LIFE. The Bible
says that God also allows sickness for His honor and glory and to show His
strength in our weakness. How we handle
sin in our lives doesn’t only affect us, but it affects the lives of everyone
around us. I wasted 20 years of my life that I can never
get back. A sobering thought
that came to mind is that I could have died or had a shortened life because of my
pride, which blinded me from confessing all of my sin. I now hunger and thirst after God’s Word! My
passions were once so fixed on the temporal, now I long to please my Savior and
fulfill His life purpose for me with an eternal perspective. The Bible says that life is a vapor and this
isn’t MY life I’m living, but God’s because I was bought with
Jesus’ blood on the cross. My life will never be the same because of the power
of the cross! A HUGE lesson God
taught me through all of this is that I’ve learned that I can’t expect
others to meet all of my needs, the only One who can do that is my heavenly
Father. I long to testify of how God
has changed me by His power and pray every day for opportunities to share my
story with others. I have a passion to
help people understand how unconfessed sin can ruin our life. ALL we need to do is simply humble ourselves
and confess our sin so that they can live an abundant life full of peace
and joy that Jesus came to give (John 10:10)
God’s
Word is SO POWERFUL!!!
It gives us ALL
the answers we need to live the abundant life God intends for us. I now realize that it’s the belief system of
my heart that controls my attitudes, speech and my actions and it’s radically
changed my life! If you’re harboring
sin, I’m begging you to please humble yourself and take care of it.
James 4:6 says, “God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
Not only was God resisting me because of my pride, but I was on the road
to destruction, which was exactly where Satan wanted me!!! Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goes
before destruction and a haughty spirit before I fall.” I pray through my
disobedience, many will see it is extremely crucial to humble yourselves and
confess sin daily. Do you have
unconfessed sin you are harboring? Are you finally ready to humble yourself at
the foot of the cross and confess it? God is waiting to give you grace,
forgiveness and the abundant life right now.
