Saved From the Road to Destruction

I am so humbled and thankful for my heavenly Father’s mercy, love and grace toward me of which I am undeserving.   I’m passionate about sharing how God has humbled me and completely changed my heart in hopes that it will encourage others to examine their hearts and make changes as well.  I want other Christians who are living complacent, lukewarm lives to wake up before it’s too late!  God is AWESOME and I now have a strong and deep desire to follow Him and testify of what He has done and continues to do in and through me.
 
Being saved as a young child, I loved the Lord and my greatest desire was to please Him.  I tried to be a good testimony to my parents who were saved, but not living for God.  I never learned how to deal with stress biblically, the way that God intended us to.  I entered into adulthood carrying the seemingly invisible baggage of unforgiveness, envy, silent anger and bitterness from my childhood and didn’t even realize it.  On the outside, I appeared to others to have it all together but what I needed to do was take care of the condition of my heart!   I remember every rude comment anyone ever said to me my whole life.   I kept a silent tally sheet in my head of times I had been wronged and seldom forgave anyone.  I consistently wrote people off that offended me, rather than thinking biblically to forgive them and seek restoration.  My heart was full of frustration and anger which leaves absolutely no room for peace.  I really thought I was humble, but in reality pride was my biggest problem.  I couldn’t believe that someone would be rude to me, because I certainly didn’t feel as if I deserved that treatment.  I thought since I was nice to other people that I deserved to be treated that same way in return.  Serving as a deacon and pastor’s wife for years  opened me up to a whole new world of criticism from others  and many more stressful situations in which I did not respond to correctly.  I did not respond well to the mistreatment I received as a pastor’s wife and I was held captive in a prison by the wounds that I endured.  If I could only go back and respond biblically, the way God planned for me to, what a difference that would make in my life and the lives of my family.  I’d been harboring lots of poison inside me for so long that I didn’t even realize it was affecting everyone around me and beginning to take a toll on my health.

In my 20’s I began having arthritis pain to the point it was a struggle to walk when I woke up in the morning.  I couldn’t sleep at night without drugs because of the pain and exhaustion.  There were even days I couldn’t get out of bed.  After months of suffering and doctors’ visits they diagnosed me with fibromyalgia, which is like arthritis in the muscles.  Doctors told me I was depressed and put me on antidepressants, sleeping pills and pain medicine, which only masked the problem.   I suffered with fibromyalgia for over 14 years.  The ROOT of the problem was NEVER dealt with, only covered up with medication.  I began taking vitamins which helped to a point, but never completely resolve my problem.  In 2001 I began suffering with anxiety so my doctor put me on more medication.  In 2002 at the age of 31, I had what registered as a heart attack on the EKG and was put under the care of a cardiologist and given heart medications.   In 2005 I began to have severe tremors.   After MRI’s, CAT scans and doctor visits I was told that I could possibly have the early onset of Parkinson’s disease and put on a high dose of tremor medicine.   I cried myself to sleep at night because I was concerned about how much my family and I would have to suffer in the years to come.   After my diagnosis, I attempted to go off the medicine many times, but the shaking was so bad, I’d only last a few hours before needing to take a little larger dose. One of the most terrifying events in my life was in February of 2007!  I awoke one morning to my heart racing 200 beats per minute.   I was having difficulty breathing because my heart was racing and skipping at an unpredictable rate and was not in proper rhythm.  My husband rushed me to the ER where doctors and nurses swarmed around me and administered drugs to slow down my heart rate and try to get my heart back to normal rhythm.   I was admitted to the Critical Care Unit where my husband couldn’t even enter the room.  Among all of the confusion and uncertain circumstances, as they wheeled me down the dark hallway on a stretcher, I felt God’s peace in knowing that if I were to die that day, God was in complete control.  It took 9 hours until doctors got my heart calmed down with the medication through IVs.  Doctor’s told me that I’d been born with extra electrical strands in my heart and diagnosed me with atrial fibrillation.  My cardiologist put me on more heart medications to keep my heart slowed down and in proper rhythm.   I had been on heart medication for years, but even with the medication, I ‘ve had many palpitations and close calls for another CCU visit.  Over the span of 12 years doctors had put me on at least 20 different drugs to try to treat depression, fibromyalgia, anxiety, pain, tremors and heart problems.  Over the years my husband lovingly asked me if maybe some of my health problems could be caused by unconfessed sin or from my unbiblical response to stress.  Of course I was quite offended at that suggestion, but that was because I was full of pride and didn’t want to humble myself and examine my heart.  Through all of these illnesses I thought I was just suffering so God could show His power through my weakness, but little did I know that, in my case, this couldn’t be further from the truth!

Even though I had been attending church during all of this, I rarely brought my Bible.  When I read Scripture, they were just words on a page to me because of my hard heart.  Everything about me was focused on the outward that people could see because I thought I could hide my inward sin.  The Christian life was only a game that I was playing and I did not love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength, I only loved myself!  In the spring of 2009 our pastor began preaching on the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5.  The Holy Spirit began convicting me of areas that I needed to change in my life.  On the outside, I appeared to others to be a godly example, but I knew my heart wasn’t right.  I knew I was not poor in spirit or meek, but instead proud.   I didn’t really hunger and thirst after God’s Word and righteousness, I often had my devotions out of a sense of duty.  I knew my inner peace and joy had been gone for years, but because of all the lies I was believing from Satan, I was blinded to the seriousness of my sin.

 God is sovereign, so at the same time our pastor was preaching on the Sermon on the Mount, my husband and I attended a conference where we purchased the book, How to Resolve Seven Deadly Stresses.  It is totally based on God’s Word and Jesus’ teachings from the Sermon on the Mount.  I learned how a person’s thoughts, attitudes and actions are directly affected by the belief system of our hearts.  It also has been medically proven that unconfessed sin and dealing with stress in the wrong way can have a direct effect on our health.   I have to admit that I was very skeptical about the claim that some health problems can be caused by dealing with stress unbiblically.  I began reading the book about seven deadly stresses which were taught in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, which are:  anger, guilt, lust, bitterness, greed, fear and envy.   After soaking in a few chapters of the book, the truths of God’s Word began piercing my heart.  I realized that my heart problems could possibly be related to my silent anger issues, that my fibromyalgia could be because I struggled with envy.  My tremors could be caused by the tremendous load of guilt I carried for never dealing with conflict and sin in my life the way that God intended me to.  The depression I had experienced could possibly be caused by all of my unresolved issues that were stealing my joy and peace.   I realized all of the areas that I needed to make changes in my life and got down on my knees and was broken before the holy God of the universe.

 First John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all our unrighteousness.”  I had been saved since the age of 4, grown up in church, but I came under the realization that I rarely humbled myself and asked for forgiveness from anyone.  I was so wrapped up in myself and concentrated on protecting and distancing myself from people who might hurt me.  I was in a dangerous place, a position that Satan took full advantage of and was able to get strongholds in my life because of my pride. I believed so many of his lies!  The Bible says that God resists the proud, and it saddens me to know that I wasted all of those years that I can never get back!   All of the hurts I had experienced growing up and in adulthood had been festering into bitterness and unforgiveness and it all needed to finally be dealt with. Hebrews 12:15 says that the root of bitterness springing up causes trouble and by this many are defiled.   I was often frustrated and irritated about little things that I now had realized was actually inner anger.   Ephesians 4:31 talks about how we are supposed to get rid of all bitterness, wrath and anger.  Vs. 32 talks about how we are to forgive each other just as God forgives us.  

 After humbling myself and asking God to forgive me for the things I needed to take care of, I then went to others in my life that I had issues with or that I may have offended.  I forgave my offenders even if they’d never asked for forgiveness.   I asked my children to forgive me for all of the times I was not the godly example I should’ve been.   My husband and I had been married for 20 years and I had not been the wife that God wanted me to be.  I was strong willed, stubborn, selfish, prideful and unforgiving.  Satan’s lies had told me that I was the “humble” one and that my husband was the person who was full of pride.  I was SO blinded by my sin!  A few days after confessing my sin to God and asking forgiveness from my husband and my family, I realized that I had not had any more tremors, or taken any tremor medicine. This is the medication that I had not been able to live without.   The tremendous guilt I was bearing from all of my wrong thoughts, attitudes and actions over the years had taken a toll on my body and I believe that in my case, that was what had caused my tremors.  I believe that the guilt I carried around from knowingly disobeying God caused the chemicals in my brain to be depleted and that’s why I was depressed.  The Bible says that God’s law is engraved on our hearts, that’s why we feel guilt when we sin.   In amazement I also realized that I had gone for days with no pain or exhaustion and I was able to sleep all night with no drugs.   I know that because I struggled with envy, it was affecting my musculoskeletal system and causing my fibromyalgia.    I also had no desire to play over in my mind the scenes of the past where someone had hurt my feelings.  I forgave others, and being forgiven by God and others allowed me to be FREED from the prison I was locked in for decades!  Satan wanted me to stay in that prison but God held the keys to the prison all along!   We can choose NOT to be held hostage by our sin by confessing it daily to our loving heavenly Father whose Son’s blood paid the debt we owed.    I threw out the poisonous baggage that was detouring me from carrying out God’s full plan for my life.
Although I no longer needed most of the medicine I had been taking, I continued taking my heart medications, even though the palpitations were fewer.   I wanted to discern if my heart problems were due to unresolved conflicts in my life, or if it was something God was using to show His strength in my weakness.   I realized that whenever I’d get hurt or angry about something that someone else said or did to me, my heart would go out of rhythm.  God also convicted me of my unbiblical response to a very painful event that had took place 2 years earlier just before I was admitted to the Critical Care Unit.  I  harbored bitterness over a situation in which someone had clearly wronged me.  All of the inner anger I felt during that situation was what had caused my heart arrhythmia and threatened my life.  A few weeks later  I realized I wasn’t having any palpitations, so I went off my heart medication.  The ironic thing is that during my last appointment with my cardiologist before I confessed my sin, we were discussing risky heart surgery to fix my atrial fibrillation. Now, on a rare occasion if I feel palpitations coming on,  I know in my case God is showing me that I need to deal with my anger biblically.

It’s been almost four years since I’ve taken any medications or suffered any of those medical issues.   I have an unsurpassing PEACE and JOY in the Lord!  The very REAL pain and exhaustion from the fibromyalgia, that I had suffered with for over 14 years was gone!  The tremors  I suffered with for 4 years were REAL, and now were gone!  The heart arrhythmia and palpitations  I had suffered with for most of my adult life were gone!  I didn’t actually pray to God for healing, I prayed for forgiveness of my bitterness, envy and anger and God transformed my heart and ABSOLUTELY radically altered my life!!!   PLEASE understand, I know that NOT ALL SICKNESS IS A RESULT OF UNRESOLVED ISSUES IN A PERSON’S LIFE.  The Bible says that God also allows sickness for His honor and glory and to show His strength in our weakness.  How we handle sin in our lives doesn’t only affect us, but it affects the lives of everyone around us.   I wasted 20 years of my life that I can never get back.  A sobering thought that came to mind is that I could have died or had a shortened life because of my pride, which blinded me from confessing all of my sin.  I now hunger and thirst after God’s Word! My passions were once so fixed on the temporal, now I long to please my Savior and fulfill His life purpose for me with an eternal perspective.  The Bible says that life is a vapor and this isn’t MY life I’m living, but God’s because I was bought with Jesus’ blood on the cross. My life will never be the same because of the power of the cross!  A HUGE lesson God taught me through all of this is that I’ve learned that I can’t expect others to meet all of my needs, the only One who can do that is my heavenly Father.  I long to testify of how God has changed me by His power and pray every day for opportunities to share my story with others.   I have a passion to help people understand how unconfessed sin can ruin our life.  ALL we need to do is simply humble ourselves and confess our sin so that they can live an abundant life full of peace and joy that Jesus came to give (John 10:10)

God’s Word is SO POWERFUL!!!   It gives us ALL the answers we need to live the abundant life God intends for us.  I now realize that it’s the belief system of my heart that controls my attitudes, speech and my actions and it’s radically changed my life!  If you’re harboring sin, I’m begging you to please humble yourself and take care of it. James 4:6 says, “God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Not only was God resisting me because of my pride, but I was on the road to destruction, which was exactly where Satan wanted me!!!   Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before I fall.” I pray through my disobedience, many will see it is extremely crucial to humble yourselves and confess sin daily.  Do you have unconfessed sin you are harboring? Are you finally ready to humble yourself at the foot of the cross and confess it? God is waiting to give you grace, forgiveness and the abundant life right now.